HERE IS A LIST OF WHY I STILL LOVE YOU
1. You never resented me for miscarrying. I never knew we were pregnant, so I kept partying hard, surfing long, moving around, and being unhealthy. You were shocked, as I was, but you held my hand and let me wash my grief onto your shoulder.
2. When I broke down and told you I couldn’t have children, you closed your bedroom door, looked me in the eye and said, “It’s okay. Israel has the best medicine. I’m sure they can fix whatever it is you have. And if not, we can always adopt.” You told me this without hesitation, without missing a beat. Just one month after dating.
3. You talked to me about the war. When we met, you said you had a bad experience. I told you that as a journalist, this would be an interesting story for me to hear. You said, “Some other time. This isn’t the place.” I understood it as you never wanting to talk about it. It’s fine. We were basically strangers. But then three days after meeting me, you dropped me off from a party at two in the morning, sat down on my kitchen chair when I expected you to leave, and suddenly said, “Do you still want to hear the story?” I was the first person you talked about it to. The only person you talked about it to. Not even the doctors in the hospital, not even your family, not even your friends. After three years of silence, you chose to talk to me.
4. You gave me space. Too much space for my liking, in fact. See, when I’m in love, all I want to do is be cooped up in bed all day with the one I love. But you pushed my lazy ass out of the boudoir. You encouraged me to surf, to write, to have nights out with my girl friends, to do what I love. You supported me, even though I didn’t realize I needed your support.
5. You were jealous. You never admitted it. You were far too good of a man to admit. Every time I’d insensitively ask, “Can I hang out with my ex?” You’d smile, “Sure, of course.” and swallowed your pride just so I could selfishly be happy and do what I want.
6. When I went to my ex’s goodbye party, we had a fight. First that you got REALLY pissed at me because you got jealous and we had already agreed to go home, but I chose to go to him instead as soon as he stepped inside the bar and asked me. I tried selfishly to forget you as I rode on the back of my friend’s motorbike to go to the party. Imagine my surprise when I later saw your bestfriend there. He had no girl with him. He wasn’t drinking or dancing. He was just standing near the entrance. Which was weird because he had said he didn’t want to party and wanted to come home with us earlier. It was then I realized you had sent him to watch over me, and make sure I was okay and didn’t do anything stupid or get drunk. I don’t know why, but it made me feel better.
7. You were the only ex that could out-dance me. And god damn that ass.
8. Two weeks in of dating, I didn’t want to waste our time. I told you I had worse baggage than you.
That I’d had an abortion when I was young. And I told you I had issues, and that I’d get if you wanted to end it now while it’s early. You held me in your arms and didn’t leave. This was after we made love for the first time.
9. You never judged me for being jealous. Even though I was being irrationally jealous against one of my best friends. Even though I took “revenge” by openly dancing with my ex in front of you, every time we went out to party, knowing it’d rile up your nerves. Instead, you bit your tongue, secretly asked your friends to keep you from punching my ex, grabbed my arm, sat me down, and talked to me. (You also said, “I’ve never felt this way before. I never got jealous with any of my ex-girlfriends. I’m sorry, it’s stupid, this is the first time.” Well, fuck me if that’s cheesy, cliché, or pure bullshit - but it’s still romantic as fuck.)
10. When we met, you never pressured me into sleeping with you.
11. I told you I didn’t want to fuck around or date. You were persistent, in a good way. You stopped every day at my house to check up on how I was doing, and to hang out with me for a couple of hours.
12. When I was sick, you stopped by in the middle of the night, around 10PM, to give me a slice of my favorite chocolate cake, and a box of pizza. Note we were still in our initial “She doesn’t want to date” phase. So plus points for thoughtfulness.
13. Before we lived together, I told you I didn’t know how to cook. You would drive by, every morning, for two weeks, at 6AM just to cook me breakfast.
14. You never pressured me to kiss you. You spent three days talking about non-sense into the night to appease my chattiness, you spent three sleepless nights watching the sun rise with me. And never once did you force me to kiss you. Because you knew I didn’t want to. You told me the entire time we watched the sunrise, you were secretly stealing glances at me and thinking to yourself, “Kiss her you idiot! Stupid. Stupid.” It took you more than a week of dating to kiss me for the first time.
15. You told me this about when we met, “When I first saw you, I knew I wanted something with you.” I laughed, “Yes. You wanted sex.” You shook your head, “No. No. Not just that. I knew I had to have you. I wanted a relationship, to have something with you. I told Helen ‘Helen, who is that?’ and she told me who you were and I said, ‘Her. I want her.’ So I asked my friends who already knew you, to wingman me.”
16. We had amazing two-hour-minimum sex.
17. You let me scream my head off when we’d fuck. Even when you’d cover my mouth, I knew it was half-hearted. You liked to hear me moan and scream.
18. You didn’t mind that I snored. Loudly.
19. You didn’t run away from my depression. There were days when I’d just disappear. Be silent, not say anything, and just stare off into nothingness, crying. You’d give me space when I’d ask for it. But you never left me alone when I didn’t.
20. You took care of all my surfing injuries and reef cuts.
21. You ate my cooking.
22. You weren’t good with words as I am. And you had trouble expressing yourself. When I was sad because I told you I haven’t felt anything in a long time, you laid in bed with me and played me songs. You said, “Listen to the lyrics,” and played songs like After the Storm by Mumford and Sons. When it stopped, you told me, “You’ll get through this, okay?”
23. The day before you left for home, it was raining. Like the clouds were crying for me. I sat outside on the balcony, not talking to anyone. But you knew. You played me songs again from your iPhone, hugged me from behind, and let me cry. Even if it was just a slight painful tinge in my chest, it was the first time I felt something in a long time.
24. You weren’t ashamed to ask my friends for advice when I was being exceptionally complicated and fed up with you.
25. You painted my nails.
26. You read my poetry. ALL of my poetry. Despite your self-confession of hating books and reading.
27. During nights my insomnia would act up, you’d stay up and let me bully you into conversing with me, despite your drooping eyelids. You’d let me talk and annoy you until I’d fall asleep.
28. You introduced me to Skrillex, electro/trance, and dubstep. You helped widen my already awesome music taste.
29. You asked for my opinion on many things, before you would make any decisions in your life.
30. You shaved your beard for the first time in two years because I begged you to because I wanted to see how you looked like without it.
31. I saw you hide all my scraps of writing in an envelope. And put the very first one I wrote for you in your wallet.
32. When I woke up one day and cried because my good friend and ex had left for another country, that ex you were so jealous of, you got me tissues and a glass of water, and you let me cry into your chest.
33. I was the first person you fell in love with.
34. Sometimes, in the middle of sex, you would just stop suddenly, look into my eyes, hold my face, and say, “Hey. I love you.”
35. When you’d say “I love you” you’d always say it in such a small feeble voice. Because it felt weird in your mouth. Because you didn’t understand how love and a serious relationship worked. And you allowed me to teach you, to guide you, until one day you could say “I love you” in a strong, assured voice.
36. You let me ravage your back mercilessly. Most guys would complain or get pissed. You never did. Not once.
37. When we went on a roadtrip, I told you it was impossible to catch fireflies. You caught one, alive, and gave it to me.
38. You always fixed problems with me. Even though you’d get fucked up high with your friends, you’d apologize for your mistakes and always always always tried to compromise. We were a team. You were there for my depression, I was there for your apathy.
39. You bought me tampons. Most men would run for the hills when they have sex with their girlfriend and suddenly her period started. But no. You said, “I don’t care,” and kept at it for two. more. hours. Jesus, we toured the house. And afterwards you went to two different stores to look for tampons and pads while I waited comfortably at home.
40. When we broke up, I asked you if I felt the need to write about you and send you letters or poetry, that you’d read it. Even if you didn’t reply, I just wanted you to read all of it. And you did. You read it until I was able to move on and write for myself again.
41. Before we broke up, you never failed to make me feel loved, especially when I’d say I was feeling unloved. You’d make sure to kill my insecurities. You never failed to text, or call. You kept up the communication during the first stages of our long distance relationship. You made me download Skype, Tango, What’sApp, so you could tell me how important I was to you, how I was the best thing that happened to you. You’d TALK and practice expressing yourself with words, despite being horrible at it, just because I needed to “hear words” to feel loved.
42. You’d stay up late, up until 4am in the morning, just so you could call me. Screw the time difference.
43. You introduced me to your family, to your friends, to your parents, to your sister, despite us being countries away from each other. That’s what Facebook was made for, right?
44. You took on three different jobs to save money to come back to me as soon as possible.
45. I’m up at 1:30 in the morning making stupid lists about you.
even though you never did come back to me.
Sade Andria Zabala (xpsycho) | Here is a list of why I still love you
(via xpsycho)Via Surf and Write
…and I’m jealous of every girl who came before me. The girls you knew, the girls you kissed, before you had even heard my name.– (via livinterrupted) Via Stop. Look. Listen.